China 2017

Badly I am afraid.

Let me explain. We arrive at the Peace Hotel and enter the bar. Do we have a reservation? I am afraid not. Are we residents of the hotel? I regret no, but I do have a Fairmont card if it helps. Alas no, we can come in, but will be subject to a RMB200 (about £25) minimum table charge. No problem I advise our waiter, let us call him Claude if you get my drift and we take a seat and peruse the drinks menu. I choose a concoction called a Craft Gin and Tonic, containing basil leaves and juniper berries and a rather piquant spirit in addition to gin. My fellow traveller has a minty flavoured cocktail. Well, I have to tell you that these cocktails are a little unusual in that full measures of spirit must have been used in their creation, and by the bottom of the first drink, things are beginning to loosen up well.

A second round of drinks are ordered. We are singing along to some of the songs, mostly old standards such as Carolina Moon and Strangers in the Night. The band are comprised of pensioners one is ninety six years old and very famous in Shanghai. The drummer’s speed is in inverse proportion to his age, slow. When he breaks out into a bootleg solo using his cymbals he winds himself up well in advance. 

Anyway the second drink is slipping down nicely, so we decide to order some nibbles. A platter of cheese and charcuterie with some crackers and French bread are delivered together with some seasoned fries. My companion, who has more preference for cheese than I do makes a good attempt at polishing it off, but there is a piece of Brie and some bread remaining. I am invited to finish it.

That turned out to be not such a good idea.

Now, all I had to do was put the cheese on the bread and spread it a little. Unfortunately having to coordinate a knife, bread and cheese whilst under the influence of Claude’s cocktails was beyond me. All three components ended up going in different directions. The bread landed on the table, the knife slipped my grasp but I caught it with my other hand. The cheese however ends up taking a parabolic tragectory and lands on the back of a German lady sitting on the table next to us, bounces off and falls to the floor. She looks round as  my companion is invoking the five second rule picking up the cheese. I apologise most profusely. My companion is stunned, but within seconds we are reduced to fits of stifled giggles and have to avoid eye contact for a considerable time.